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My first published piece. So, really old. It’s interesting that we have become so PC since I wrote this, but mas-in-law are still fair game for comedians. 🤭

I am not against Mother’s Day. But I don’t understand the fuss; anyone can be a mother.

It’s well known that the moment a woman gives birth the parent fairy supplies her with encyclopaedic knowledge, endless patience and a large collection of recipes.

As mothers we finally get to find out what breasts are really for and Newton’s law of gravity assumes a meaning I’m sure Sir Isaac Newton never intended.

We live in a world in which teething rings and rusks are our best friends. And as we stumble through a sleep deprived stupor, we fool ourselves into believing that it’s just a phase, that it will all pass.

It’s lucky for our sanity that we don’t immediately discover that phase is a never ending.  Even when our children leave home we become counsellor, mediator and chief worrier.  It’s  not much of a job we think, but it’s all ours and we’ve got tenure. 

Then without much warning our job description takes a radical and most unpleasant turn – just as things are looking up and our children have become interesting and civilised, they get married.

And before we know it, strangers are making jokes at our expense we have become mothers in law.

It’s the same phenomenon as the caterpillar to butterfly mutation only in reverse. We’ve mutated into slugs.

Comedians worldwide slander us with variations on “who was that battle-axe I saw you with last night? That was no battle axe…“ You get my drift. It’s all quite nasty and makes me think that if we are getting going to be treated like a different species we surely deserve a day of our own.

But try telling that to the agenda setters.  They’d rather have an international no diet day than the less palatable but more worthy mother’s in law day.

Perhaps a Goodwill Ambassador would do the trick someone like that glamorous grandma Tina Turner will send our stock soaring if only she could admit to her mother-in-law status.

And does Nicole Kidman understand that it will be her turn before she knows it?

If we could get these 2 to help we would be transformed in a jiffy from mothers by decree to mothers by choice. Not only for our sake but also for the economy.

Think of the advantages to advertisers, florists and chocolate manufacturers.

Thousands of the newly employed would hail mothers-in-law day.

So what do we have to do to shut the comedians up, curry favour with our sons and daughters in law and insure we get our own special day?

Well the first thing we have to do is to break the eradicate first and ask questions later cycle.

We must learn to be selectively blind selectively deaf (criticism is good for the soul) and speak only when spoken to.This is vital and quite easy to do when you know how. Just count to 10 and bite your tongue.  It toughens up the epidermal layer and helps your teeth lock nicely into the grooves at a moment’s notice. Nine out of 10 dentists recommended it

When it comes to grandchildren and how to raise them we should keep (grand)mum.

We may have the life experience but our children have the literature, shelves of it to refer to.

Tough, I know and very annoying given given that while we cop the jokes, our male equivalents get a red carpet ride in every respect.

I don’t know why it’s called menopause, because men don’t get it. We grow hips, they grow beards (Actually we do too but it doesn’t do us any good.) Men have it all the way. I’m surprised that no one has thought of a fathers in law day yet.

It’s sure to be a popular success and makes me think if I could manage it, I should come back as a man in my next incarnation.

Men rarely need to adapt to their changing circumstances. They are lovingly passed from woman to woman (mother, wife, daughter or daughter-in-law.). And you’ll generally find fathers in law sitting in the corner, supplied with a newspaper and their favourite beverage.

Still, there is no point being bitter. I say what the hell. I’ll worry about the next life in the next life!

It’s vital that we spend the good word, lobby for a day of our own and exterminate comedians.

And if we keep the blood pressure down will be able to commandeer a front row seat at the grandchildren‘s wedding day and watch the transmutation first hand.

6 thoughts on “Who was that battle axe I saw you with last night?

  1. Correct, politically or otherwise Mary, although I have never been supplied with a newspaper and favourite beverage after being lovingly passed from woman to woman.

  2. Ha! A clever piece. And timely as it was my niece’s 36th birthday recently. Somehow my niece managed to morph it from her holding a bbq at her place, to her mother hosting, buying, cooking and cleaning up at her (mother’s) place. I hope my niece partner is not trotting out m-i-l jokes as we speak. ‘How dumb is she?’ I can hear him laughing as he tucks into the leftovers.

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